Buzz Cut
When I dropped Griffin of at school yesterday, I watched him walk through the chain link gate onto the black-topped school yard, his head freshly shaved (stay tuned for more on this). Without hair falling in his eyes, they looked bigger and greener as he kissed me goodbye, his slender neck exquisitely exposed, and my heart pushed against my chest as if urging me not to let him go. But I did, and he disappeared into the mix of sunlight and children filling the playground.
Two hours later, Ethan called, his voice muffled. ”What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m listening to this story…” he said. The sentence trailed off and I realized my husband was crying. The facts came out haltingly, as if by saying “shooting” and “elementary school” in the same sentence, the ugliness going on three-thousand miles away in a small Connecticut town was tightening its grip. ”How many kids?” I whispered, tears choking my voice now too.
“I don’t know, but it’s a lot,” answered Ethan. ”Who does something like this?“
My mind scurried backwards through the years to April 20th, 1999. Standing on a small rise outside of Columbine High School in Littleton Colorado, I was watching an impromptu shrine form as this close knit community poured out its shock and love in the form of teddy bears, candles, notes and balloons. I was on-assignment for the television show Extra!, and would ultimately spend a month in Colorado chasing stories about the two black coated gunmen, the murdered students and teacher, and a town convulsing in grief. I was young. I had no children. But HolyMotherOfGod how I felt that the dark shadow hanging over Columbine was a top ten version of hell.
Amazing Grace
Sitting in the car, fighting the urge to race back to school to physically shield my children from all the unseen threats lurking in the world, I sent an email to Bruce Beck. Bruce is the step-father of Lauren Townsend, the Columbine high school valedictorian whose bright future was cut short on that awful April day.
“I am heartbroken–and knowing you must feel the pain of the families in Connecticut so deeply,” I wrote to this man who became a lifelong friend after he and his wife gifted me the chance to tell Lauren’s story. “I don’t even know what to say. Sending lots of love to your whole family and keeping Lauren close to my heart.”
Bruce must of not known what to say either–as he kept it to one sad, simple truism: “At times,” he wrote, “our world really sucks.”
Yes. It does. Our schools are sacred places. And when they are defiled by violence it leaves us feeling exposed, rubbed raw by the knowledge that it could have been our school–our kids–in the firing line. Because there is no rhyme or reason to a tragedy like this. For me, it is the same feeling I have in a recurring nightmare, where I’m falling in slow motion from the top of a building. The immense fear is caused not so much by the free fall itself as by the uncertainty of when I am going to hit.
Free Fall
Ethan left to pick up our kids with a heavy heart. When he arrived at the gate, there was Griffin, holding a beautiful Christmas wreath that he’d bought for us at the school’s holiday bazaar with his own money. Its green, red, and gold sparkle spoke of joy and peace–words synonymous with this season of giving and hope– and he was so proud of his present. But as I thanked him for it, smoothing my hands over the new fuzz on his perfect, precious little head, I could feel nothing but sadness.
School Boy
it’s already difficult to understand why an human being should kill another human being. But when something like that happens we are without words.
Just sorry, sad, lost. Last spring in south Italy a man put an home made bomb in front of a school killing a girl (13) and injuring many other. Why?
You are correct, schools must be sacred places. Our future borns there.
We are so sad.
robert
As always, Suzanne, you pierce to the essence of your story and depict its many facets with poignance and insight. Thank you for shining your bright light on a dim corner of life.
Now we need to rid our peace-loving nation of guns people think they need to protect themselves from other people with guns. Circular logic with no end. A notion which has haunted me for a long time, and I am now expressing for the first time.
Kathleen
Suzanne, your story was beautiful. And I relate completely to what you wrote, and I’m sure mothers all around the country do as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
When the tragedy at Columbine happened, I was working as a reporter in Idaho. It was a day that changed my life. I just couldn’t believe our world had come to that. And as you know, in the news you see more than you share (well, that used to be true). I’m proud of you for gaining the trust of that young girl’s family, and I’m sure you told her story with grace.
May you find some comfort in those warm green eyes of your little boy, and may that wreath be a big, bright symbol of his love for you this holiday season.
We are still reeling, and grieving for the victims of this senseless tragedy.
Suzanne,
I just got the chance to read this and wanted to thank you for always remembering Lauren and our family. I just got your most recent post and scrolled to find this one which I had not seen after the shooting at Sandy Hook. We are still in disbelief that anyone could do this to any kids, much less to kids that they have no connection to. I am really having a hard time feeling any sympathy for a mother whose son is “mentally unstable” as his brother said and yet she has assault rifles and semi automatic guns where this child has acccess to them. If this does not spur our politicians to make changes in the availability of miltary type weapons to the public then we have lost 26 more beautful souls for no reason. I know after Columbine we as family members stood together to begin to make changes and a difference in our world. We seemed to be able to make a difference in the short term with bans on automatic weapons, but then the lobbying power of the NRA changed that with a republican administration; I wonder how George W. feels now about that? Would she have had these guns if that law had not changed?
Sorry to run on, as usual, but we are still reeling for those families and the knowledge of the future that lays in front of them. Here in Aurora they are getting ready to reopen the theatre and have invited the families of the murdered and injured to the reopening and a free movie! Can you believe that!
Enough about that, I can’t wait to read todays post which showed a big, beautiful head of hair on Griffin and then I saw the picture with this story of the “buzz cut”!!
Hope your Mom is doing well, we just had a short memorial service yesterday at the hospice where my Mom had been for eleven months. It was incredible to see the impact she had on all the people there, they absolutely loved her!!
We hope it’s been a blessed holiday season for you and all your family and look forward to the day we can see each other again.
God Bless, Bink